My Dead Celebrity Soul Mate

Biography.com says that my soul mate is Lucrezia Borgia.



I don't know what I was expecting, but I don't know what to respond with, either. I am blaming Jack Perkins.

Weekend Update

There were many a fun activities that I was able to partake in this weekend. I saw the new Woody Allen film Melinda and Melinda, featuring Will Ferrell. I went to a great a capella concert at my campus featuring the lovely Mo Cahill. And then finally I saw the band Of Montreal in Toronto after my first taste of Ethiopian food.

Venturing into the Great White North does not come without its cost, however. While Canadians are known for their politeness, friendliness, and being just as afraid of you as you are of them, my group somehow managed to encounter the worst Canadians the country had to offer. Example: While selecting the candy I wished to purchase at a Canadian gas station, my leg was kicked by an old man eager to pay for gas. The second opening band, also comprised of Canadians, made my soul bleed they were so terrible. I will not tell you their name for fear that they might get an extra hit to the website that I am assuming is out there, eating other, far better websites. Immediately after this band left the stage, some jerk dropped a beer bottle on my foot because he was done with it.

And finally, while waiting in line for 30 metric hours to get into the actual concert, we got to stand next to Of Montreal's biggest fan. This isn't necessarily a bad thing unless the fan in question is constantly trying to ensure that they maintain their title. I learned so much about the band from this girl, in between being insulted for my lack of knowledge about her home country. Here's an example: did you know that Kevin Barnes, lead singer of O.M., as she is allowed to call them, writes lyrics so amazing that they actually created and traveled through a time warp that allowed Gandhi to hear the face-melting jams from the band, inspiring his invention of peace and standing up for your beliefs? Okay, that was a gross exaggeration, but the band was actually compared to Jesus by this woman.

But don't worry, Canada, I don't blame you. How could I hate the country that gave me The Kids in the Hall, Peter Jennings, Phil Hartman, Eugene Levy, The Shatner, BTO, Neil Young's poetry, and so much more?

An open letter

To the person that brought their computer into the campus Help Desk for repairs without removing their copy of the Paris Hilton sex tape from the drive:

Thank you.

Summer of Movies

While this is a new blog and the tradition has not been carried over here yet, it is now time for my annual Summer Movie list.

It's a much longer list than usual this year. I hope the price of barrels of tickets from overseas go down to accomidate my wishes.

- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (April 29th)
- Star Wars: Episode III (May 19th)
- Batman Begins (June 17th)
- Fantastic Four (July 8th)
- Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (July 15th)

I feel like there was another one as well... Edits as more arise!

Topical.

Whoah! Did you guys know that if you're the pope, you can't have sex? None at all!

Attention cardinals: I hereby remove my name from the pope ballot. Thank you.

Our American Cousin

The mail gave me Sarah Vowell's new book today. Here is my favorite quote, having read 46 pages thus far, linking two of my loves, Vowell and Lincoln:

"Booth, who knew the play well, timed his shot to coincide with a surefire laugh line. (It is a comfort of sorts to know that the bullet hit Lincoln mid-guffaw. Considering how the war had weighted on him, at least his last conscious moment was a hoot.)"

Updated!
Further amazing information gleaned from this book: Please to be enjoying the lyrics to Maryland's state song, which talks about how great Lincoln's assassination was, and Virginia's state song, which does not require a summary from me for you to realize how horrible it is.

Granted, Virginia's state song has been busted down to "state song emeritus," but keep in mind that no replacement has been found, and that it took until 1997 for this to happen.

"Urgent. Help."

It has become more and more increasingly rare as of late, but I occasionally go to church with my parents on weekends that I go home to visit them. This weekend I found the greatest pamphlet of all time in which Jesus asks me to protect His little ones from porn.

Here's something, creepy painting of Jesus: if I remember much from my childhood there are two levels of porn awareness as a child.

1) I have absolutely no interest in porn. If I have seen any, it was while flipping through the channels, crossing through Cinemax trying to get to HBO Family. While those people were hugging strangely, I didn't understand it and had no desire to continue watching it.
2) I have hit puberty. I want to see porn so badly that I will scour National Geographics for a nipple.

Neither of these points in a child's development do they require, want or appreciate any protection. So, thank you for giving me the giggles during church America Needs Fatima, offshoot of The American Society for the Defense of Tradition, Family and Property, but I think there are probably 30 to 40 more important causes you can throw money at.

Attention federal government: If you have reached this blog due to the heavy usage of the words "porn" and "child," please know that I am simply discussing family values.

Hypocritical Post

What is it about spring and Frisbees? I have no problem with Frisbees, but why is that all I see? Footballs? Something else? I don't know, if I were to see somebody with a good ole fashioned catchers mit tossing a baseball around, that'd probably make my day.

Hey! Look at this! One

In what is no doubt destined to become an ongoing series, World's Greatest Grandpa is pleased present its first "Hey! Look at this!" post:

Hey! Look at Google Maps! It has satellite photos now! That rocks!

Thank you.

I'm the April fool.

Bad: Tripping on the concrete stairs on the way to class at 9 in the morning.

Worse: Tripping on the stairs after making a really terrible April Fools joke.

Worst Possible Thing: The enslavement of a human being. Not really related, I guess.